The Confession of a Mermaid: The Human World - it's a mess.

This is a rather sad post.

I am so sorry dear princesses that I haven't been contributing in the blog these days - I am busy, I am sad, I am crappy, I am not feeling well... and I am so sorry that I didn't show up lately as I am not good at all - I can't even have that energy to push myself up to even stand up and face the light...I have been crying for daysss and lying in my bed here...I am just fatigue, I dont' ever have this feeling no matter what is it up there happening I am so afraid and so scared and so depressed AND SO hopeless and just that even touching somethig is making me feeling very very very very afraid and depressed! I can't believe that I am the queen and the princess and also a mother and a wife and now i am actually lying on bed doing nothing but crying up all day and complaining and whining and begging for help and suffering so much. I can't stand that and THIS IS NOT HOW A PRINCESS SHOULD BEHAVE! I am sorry...

I cry almost evertime when I look at this photo and yes it purged all my blood, pains me to see this

I had never imagined that I need to suffer in the human world and so sorry I know i shouldn't have ever come up and even Sebastian reminded me the human world - it's a mess I never listen. Yes you could never be able to listen to something when you are blinded (BY LOVE) and I even came up here to cry a river of tears that i haven't been before! maybe...sometimes...maybe...i just shouldn't have never ever been a human... It is just all my fault! I just simply feel that everything is all my fault and it has nothing to blame but just me!

You may wonder why I am writing yes even typin a leter here is a challenge to me, u never know how much tears and how much...BLOOD is behind even one letter but only that when i write it hopefully can make me feel better...!!

So I will tell you what horrible terrible mess have been going on with me now one by one very very clearly-

I can't ever describe the pain!! It just drives me to DEATH!

I love Eric, yes I loved him very much. I am sorry that "The Little Mermaid I & II" have given you all false image of us but we are actually very different and I finally know we should be together at the very first place!

I though I do love him - we love in first sight. But first sight is never real. 

So that was this night - I lost my voice before for three days - what Ursula did. And after that I was very sick that night - I got laryngitis and I couldn't talk - I don't know somehow those magic is always causing me a sore throat and I guess this is why my merfolk always said using Magic to help you is just like medicine the after effects were always horrible. Maybe is something that remind you when you forced something to happen especially for love, you must pay a price! So actually the line when she sang "And it's been happened once a twice someone couldn't pay the price and I'm afraid I had to rake 'em cross the coals."- I thought what she meant was the three days prince thing kissing me but it is actually a warning to this. I lost my voice - and this is when it happened.

That nigh I was weakly fatigue and tired and just sick. I lied on bed and I just hardly move. When this girl comes she was just telling me that everything is going to turn out to be fine and she was one of the girl from the celebration, her name is Melina. No its not that Eric was cheating on me, this girl was in the party because she is the princess of the MerWorld Kingdom that we offers a uniting with them lately. If we did Eric and I will be leading the whole united kingdom so that we are forming the love and family without the boundaries separating the land and the sea (her kingdom is actually the other part of the sea that haven't united with the world that we are in right now - with my part of the kingdom in the sea, which my dad rules - dad takes over MerWorld too but just that thousand years ago they had separated out and formed a "hidden utopia" under the sea) Now that we are uniting together with Eric's kingdom and my dad's kingdom and that we will be taking over everything afterwards. (and that now I red to talk about something happened three weeks before week)

Uniting Project

I was asked to follow the whole project and the speech and everything. I was working hard and every night it was just a hard time for me not sleeping or was having very very little sleep...sleeping does affect the mood. and like i actually fainted before with the lack of sleep and even i told eric about this but he was like sweetheart you have been working too hard, a woman should not overwork herself because you under the protection of a man and you shouldn't let the man and your girl suffer because of you - you should be the one taking care of our girl and I should be the one looking after you. I told him not to tell Mel - I never want to make her worry. 

I did actually half of the project but that maybe i was totally overworked myself - so that week after I was totally not feeling well I couldn't get out of bed - I know Cind. thanks a lot for taking care of me but I really couldn't do it this time... I don't wanna see anyone sorry. than yes of course totally i didn't manage to do all the work but i know what i need to do and everything was in my mind. the deadline of the project should be life four more weeks later and i have already have everything in my mind managing to do all the work before that and i know how is that going to work. But Anyway Eric was very upset not having me to carry on the work and that I didn't talk to him for quite a while - actually i didn't do what he told me to and he was saying how I wasn't listening to him and not taking care of myself. 

But actually I don't understand very well - it was just like suddenly one night after and the sun rises - he never loved me like he did before. He was complaining that I didn't come back home early and what i should do - stay home and be a good wife. WHAT means by a good wife really? I didn't get it and i never do. I was following everything and I actually worked well. Everyday after that week and of course I do was going over to the MerWorld and have conferences. You know I needed everytime turning into a Mermaid and back to human and back to mermaid again and turn back to human - I was tired, frankly. But I never even say a word - a princess should not blame. (When i was young dad always tell me a princess should not blah blah blah blah...and I was really having that enough but after having Mel and becoming a mother and started taking part ruling the place I understand why did dad wanted me to do this and do that and I know how I should behave as a princess really)

(I did brought Eric once and we did met Melina and her dad before.)

Deadline

But that I have my own timeline and own schedule but just only Eric said he wanted to make Melina happier by speeding up everything - I am not sure what did she said but what he said should be that she wanted everything to turned out to work faster. And I did so I really work ten times harder than it was before and of course that I wasn't feeling well and after that I got the laryngitis.

Laryngitis

Back to that last week I gotta do everything in order to finish up everything, cramping something that should be done in four weeks time in a week. Of course that I never say a word and I wasn't unhappy because of this - well I can't be, I am a princess and I can't be especially in front of Eric. Then of course I never tell anyone anything about this but I am just managing myself to do everything up in a week.

I finally did but of course I couldn't talk - laryngitis really kills. Since everything was done they came. 

What I heard

I never know what happened next but eveything was never in my control - that was this king (Melina's dad) and he was meeting us and that night I could finally get out of bed and walk a little and that was when I heard from Eric from the dinner table - they didn't tell me anything but they never asked me for dinner. This I saw it clearly how this king was saying how useless I was when I am not showing up and that I am not doing anything and that he was refusing about the uniting because that he though I was not able to handle such a job (and also I am a woman and mermaid is known as him that he said woman cannot handle a job but a mermaid. THAT'S UNFAIR I AM a mermaid!) - but the truth was I did everything but Eric - he never did anything. And this is what he said - he took care of the job and it was Melina and him did everything! (The King didn't know we were married) And this is when the moment it breaks my heart - is actually his order to Eric to marry Melina and Eric promised - he whispered to Melina: don't worry she can't talk! (They don't know by that time my voice actually came back)

These time I am the one who did all of the job and it was I who did everything and it was I who did everything for nothing but a heartbreak! WHY DID I DO THAT?

What they told me

I went back to the room and that night Melina went up saying everything is gonna turn out to be fine and that tomorrow(the day after that day) Eric and I will be having our duties and all of us will become one. I was really upset but I know a princess shouldn't ever raise her voice and argue so I asked Eric about what I saw and I told him, I knew he was lying to me. I can't believe that he blamed on me and here was his respond -

Ariel you know what I don't want to say to you is, you are not listening and following the rules. I know you think you can do everything and how you are going to handle everything yourself...you know this is not what a woman should do! And when you ended up messing up everything it is... it just... I just can't do this anymore! You are not even that Ariel I have seen in the beach before - you won't sing anymore and actually I never have that feeling that when you saved me. And I know that we are very different people. If you are never handling a job, Melina did and I did. And...I just don't feel that from you anymore...

After he told me something more about that I actually look down at the floor and yes my tears did welled up from my eyes and he was looking at me "are you crying babe?". I can't imagine I actually "I am not your babe anymore." He was like "Fine! I'll go out!" "Oh and...forget to remind you one last thing...a princess does not say something like that! And a princess should not cry in front of a man! But anyway, you are not one anymore!"

Well this is...I just really this is...this whole thing just...nothing - sorry...

Well I really can't take this! Not that like he is going to marry Melina is not the point but you know I don't get what is something I can't handle and what was mean by I wasn't following the rules? Is there a particular role for a woman? Why do I even need to do everything for....just...

No I can't do this anymore

I am sorry but...I just...you know...sorry...I need to...well if i am not even writing this out I might really die...

Sorry. sorry!!